Apology Letter to Conor Klump and finding myself

Conor,

    I know I fucked up our friendship and want to fix it because you matter to me. You are one of the few people I genuinely care about. I don't know if you know but I've been admitted to a psych hospital for almost succeeding with my suicide attempt. I want to work on our friendship and I know we both have to heal. I am owning the fact I should have been honest that I got married. I didn't mention it because I didn't get married for the right reasons that I told you about. I almost called it off because of you. I didn't lie to you about needing a trainer nor did I ever expect us to get this close. I never lied about using your pictures either. I explained why I said I did in the first place because of my psychosis due to running out of my anti-depressant that causes psychosis if agitated. You did cause me to have a mental break down because you kept calling me and yelling at me and wouldn't stop until I gave you the answer you wanted which was saying yes I did it.  You also threatened to call the police if I didn't say yes and you knew how I felt about them because they didn't do anything when I was raped twice. I have no hard feelings or anger of that but I want to fix things, work this out like we have in the past.

    Being in the hospital, I realized I relied on you too much and I shouldn't have. I put all my depression on you and I'm sorry. You were the first real friend I've made and only one I trust. Conor, you were the first person I was able to open up to and talk about my past. I know now, my negative thoughts interfered with our friendship along with my insecurities. I  just never met someone in my life that was different from anyone I've met and could relate too. I would still do anything for you Conor and still want you to move in so I can help you with your debt. 

    I'm learning to handle my emotions that I let build up and deal with them. I'm giving up on WORKING OUT until we can work out again. I don't want to train with anyone else. I don't trust anyone like I do you and you are the only person I feel safe with. I know I hurt you and broke your trust but I'm willing to fix it and do what it take to get you back. You are the best thing to ever happen to me and I don't know how to make you believe that. You always made me happy and that's why I did those things for you to show you a piece of how happy I was and try to make you happy.

    I've messed up a lot of relationships recently with family and ruined their trust. I am working on my trauma being here. I never expected to have anyone mean this much to me. I CHOOSE YOU OVER EVERYONE. We both did bad things to each other but you are important to me and I want to fix it. There is no one else I want to train with or have see my progress on my body. Conor, I trust you with my body and molding it into meeting the goals we set when we first started working out. 

    You know my feelings for you and that has not changed and will not. You said, you were not worth my feelings but to me you are. I love you, Conor. That's the first time I said that and the only person I've ever said it too. You got me to feel good about myself and motivate me to make fitness an important part of my life. You made me realize I can care for someone else besides myself and feel different things. I made you a priority and I still do.

    I caused you damage and I want to make it right and get you back. I lost my job and opportunity to go to school. Since I lost my job, I cant go to school. I deserve this and am not mad or upset about it. I want this to prove that you matter more to me than how much I liked my job and my one opportunity to go back to school. To be honest, when you filed your complaint, I did not do anything to really contest it, I let it be and let it happen.

    Because of you, I realized, I'm non-binary because you made me feel more feminine and I came to accept it. These were feelings I always had before meeting you but wasn't accepting until you. When I came out as gay, it didn't seem right to me. You were the first person I told about being non-binary. Another thing you made me realize is I'm polyamorous  because the way I feel about you I've never felt before. I have feelings for you and my husband and while being in the hospital I accepted polyamory. I discussed this with my husband and he's accepting of it. I've discovered a lot about myself and what I want in life.             

    I plan on sending you money every month for our workouts and want you to move in seriously. You said you had to think about it and I would help break your lease. You told me how much you loved Oak Park and how you want to get a house there. I'm not giving up until I get one more chance and give this friendship a chance. 

    Being hospitalized, I've realized what matters and that is my family and you. I've been forced to work on myself. Conor, I want to also thank you for being there for me and motivating me. You changed my life for the better. You'll gotten me into the best shape of my life. You are the only person who has ever motivated me to workout and run everyday. YOU ARE THE ONLY TRAINER that's worked for me.     I told you how I feel about you and telling you I love you, I still mean that and you are the only person I'll ever say that too. Before you, I was alone and then I met you and I felt for the first time I wasn't alone. I never expected any of this when I met you Conor. If I could change what happened I would. I should never have started that medication without close follow up. Things were going great between us for a while and you knew that too. I didn't care if you were late for workouts because I would clear my schedule for you and I meant that. Our workouts were the best part of my day because you pushed me and motivated me to work harder. No trainer has ever had this impact on me. I told you, I've gone through 8 trainers since you and now have stopped.

    You showed me there  is a good person in the world. Conor, I meant it when I told you I feel I have to protect you and have a responsibility to care for you. I've never had that feeling or urge to care for someone until you. 

    The longer I'm in the hospital, I realize I'm not giving up on our friendship without a fighting chance and one more try. I told you I was committed to our workouts and you. I meant it when I said I can't imagine you not in my life. You are the only person I see long term because I don't get close to people. I want to help you reach your dreams of opening up your own gym, I am supposed to be your first client there. Remember we would joke about that?

    We got super close and I know I hurt you with my behavior of attempting to work out at your gym and posting my reviews. I'm taking ownership of that. I want and will do anything to regain your trust. You said you need space and I've tried to give it but I get really worried about you. 

    Conor, I miss cooking and making you food. I hadn't cooked in over ten years but you got me cooking. I miss making you the pop overs and making different recipes with the Japanese eggplant. I miss our Friday night ordering out from different places in Oak Park and Ethiopian food. I want you to come with me on trips I go on. I am serious about you moving in with me into my house and I will help break your lease like we talked about. I will help you move.     

    This helps us both because you'll live rent free and you can help me work out and with nutrition. I want to work this out with you. I never felt this for someone. Jeremy know how I feel about you and is ok with it. I honestly don't care what other people think or say because I know how I feel and you are the only person I feel safe with. I had to end up at my lowest to put together all the pieces of me and figure out what I want in life.

    I want one final chance to make this friendship work. Conor, I'm trying to make things right. Tell me how to make things right and I will do it. I let you let Rush terminate me from your complaint and I can no longer do DNP school because I am no longer an employee there. That should mean something that I lost my job and education to make things even for you. Let me make things right and let me do those things for you, it's the least I can do to help you out. I'm being honest with myself since I've been in the hospital about what I want and how to make things right. Just talk to me Conor. You mean a lot to me, don't you see that? Why do you think I'm trying so hard for you and our friendship. I never expected this when we met. You stopped me from committing suicide the first time we met. I sensed something different about you and someone who had good in them. You have greatly changed my life for the better and you still do now.

            KC