My Suicide Attempt

     My downward spiral and low point began Thursday afternoon April 21st when I received an email from my manager that she had wanted to talk to me with HR via Zoom on Friday about a complaint Conor made against me out of anger. He had attempted to do the same thing at my husband's work but since he is not a patient with my husband they wouldn't do anything. My job had to investigate because Conor "works" at the same place as I do as a contractor for online trial.

     At this point, I was working on myself to work on my depression and anxiety. I had been attending Intensive Outpatient Program through Hartgrove and was making a lot of progress. I started this to prove to Conor, I was working on myself and that things would e different. I explained and itinerated that I could not go to this meeting due to my mental health. She would not take no for an answer even though I said I would not happen for my mental wellness.

      The next day, I get an email from my manager through HR saying I am terminated. They did not even have the decency to elaborate or call me about this.  In the email, it stated I have 5 days to appeal. I tried to do this online but my manager took my access right away so I was not given access to even appeal. On top of this, my FMLA was approved earlier that day for my leave for depression. Terminating my job not only affected my ability to find a job but also affected my ability to go to school. I got into the nurse practitioner program through work and it was free while I worked there. Now I could not afford to do school. 

    This is when my depression took over and my feelings of hopelessness and not being good enough came in. I deserved this because I hurt Conor Klump. My negative review, I posted of him cost him one of his four jobs, his job at Applied Iron. That I'll get into about in another post. This was Conor getting even and me accepting it. To be honest, I just let Conor have his way, did not even try to defend myself against the complaint. He did this out of anger but I was not mad at him. To me, this is me proving to him I still  care about him and want to work on our friendship and workout again. I willingly gave up my job and education for him. I deserved this.

    I emailed HR and my manager about the appeal process but no one would respond. They literally threw me away without caring. Because of this, I felt worthless and did not want to live. I emailed them telling them how I felt and that I was saying goodbye. I texted my brother, husband and family after that day saying goodbye and turned my phone off. I was at home and knew how I was going to commit suicide. I took 90 mg of propanolol and 4 mg of ativan. Along with this, I starting drinking alcohol, I had finishe 3 glasses and began to cut my wrists. I was in the process of hanging myself with a noose I made out of rope and clothes. I was going to hang myself from the stairs. When I was in the process, my husband came home and stopped me. My brother arrived shortly after. They wanted to to the hospital because I refused. Police were looking for me because I was attempting suicide. I slept the rest of the night hoping tomorrow would be better. I prayed every night that Conor will give me a chance to talk and fix our friendship.