My Journey with Depression and the Unexpected Friendship CK

       Being hospitalized, gratitude is something I realized I've taken for granted. Just saying thank you or telling someone that you appreciate what they are doing can make a difference in someone's day. Simply being grateful for waking up or being able to get dressed or brush your teeth is something that we tend to overlook. In the hospital, there was  a spirituality therapy that I was unsure of just because of the name spirituality.      Personally, I am not very religious due to my past traumas where I felt God was not there when I needed him. I was very religious when I was younger due to my parents. With that being said, I decided to give this session a chance. Being in the hospital, I learned to be more open to experiences and accept what I can not control.       When the session started, it was led by a Rabi who had purple hair. This was interesting to see a person of worship with that style. He first began by stating this is not based on religion but gabbing faith. Th

      Fitness has become an integral part of my life and has really helped with my depression. I was never into fitness other than running and swimming. Before Covid, I was super slim and in shape. When Covid happened I focused on my nursing career and put fitness on the back burner. Because of that, I ended up gaining weight and worsening depression. I was always stressed. I used to run 3-4 times a week and now I was barely running once a week.     This brings me to how I met Conor. I admit, we did not meet in the traditional way. I was super depressed and was actually getting ready to attempt suicide. I began talking to him online and the day we met, I stopped myself from committing suicide. I sensed something different about him that I have not sensed about anyone in my life; goodness. We met at Randolph Park which was a few block away from where we lived. He assessed me and we did a workout. Honestly, it was one of the hardest things I had to do because I've never worked out li

   P eace, this picture I made represents a turning point in my depression and suicide attempts while in the hospital. When I was first admitted to the hospital, I was very angry and upset. I feel I did not need to be in the hospital even though I had attempted suicide in front of my whole family by drinking hydrogen peroxide and hanging myself with any cords I could. I decided to attend a group therapy called expressive therapy on Tuesday. I was hesitant to participate but the therapists stated you get out of it what you put in.      I took that in mind and participated in the activity. The therapist wanted us to make a picture of something that represented us and our journey to the hospital. The only rules for this project was that we could not use scissors and only use construction paper. When she had mentioned this, I was stuck. I did not know what to make or represent me. The reason I was there was because of my suicide attempts and my major depression due to having a falling out

Conor,     I know I fucked up our friendship and want to fix it because you matter to me. You are one of the few people I genuinely care about. I don't know if you know but I've been admitted to a psych hospital for almost succeeding with my suicide attempt. I want to work on our friendship and I know we both have to heal. I am owning the fact I should have been honest that I got married. I didn't mention it because I didn't get married for the right reasons that I told you about. I almost called it off because of you. I didn't lie to you about needing a trainer nor did I ever expect us to get this close. I never lied about using your pictures either. I explained why I said I did in the first place because of my psychosis due to running out of my anti-depressant that causes psychosis if  agitated. You did cause me to have a mental break down because you kept calling me and yelling at me and wouldn't stop until I gave you the answer you wanted which was saying ye

     They say time is how we heal. I'm finally ready to open up about my mental health. For over two weeks, I have been hospitalized for a suicide attempt and severe depression. In that time, I've learned more about myself than I have in my life.       These past 4+ months have been the toughest for me. I became very distant, isolated and constantly lied to my family and husband that I was ok. Most importantly, I hurt the one person that I really care about. When people asked how I was doing, my response would always be ok while deep down I was not. Conor was the only one, I could honestly tell how depressed I was. I became a workaholic thinking if I worked all the time I could escape my past.       My past caused more harm than good and I'm done running. My trauma began at the age of 18. Since the New Year I've attempted suicide at least 6 times because I could not face what I've been through but would always wake up the next day. When I opened up to someone I got