My Journey to Recovery with Mental Health

    They say time is how we heal. I'm finally ready to open up about my mental health. For over two weeks, I have been hospitalized for a suicide attempt and severe depression. In that time, I've learned more about myself than I have in my life. 

    These past 4+ months have been the toughest for me. I became very distant, isolated and constantly lied to my family and husband that I was ok. Most importantly, I hurt the one person that I really care about. When people asked how I was doing, my response would always be ok while deep down I was not. Conor was the only one, I could honestly tell how depressed I was. I became a workaholic thinking if I worked all the time I could escape my past. 

    My past caused more harm than good and I'm done running. My trauma began at the age of 18. Since the New Year I've attempted suicide at least 6 times because I could not face what I've been through but would always wake up the next day. When I opened up to someone I got close too and loved, I realized how much my past affected me. I opened up to Conor Klump, my personal trainer and only friend. He was the only person I felt safe with and trusted. Opening up to him, I realized I was putting my depression and insecurities on him and I'm sorry Conor. He was the only person keeping me from falling apart, I was going to commit suicide the day I met him and stopped. I sensed he was different, that there was a goodness in someone.

     I didn't trust people, kept people at a distance and always had to people please and perfectionism. I'm a survivor! I was a victim of rape not once but twice. When I went to the police, I was not believed and nothing was ever done. I was rejected by friends I was close too when I came out and lost friends that I thought mattered, a victim of being beat up for being gay and being into a verbally abusive relationship before I met my husband. He would tell me I was worthless and never good enough. I developed an eating disorder because of this and would self injure with knifes.

     I believed I was a bad person because bad things kept happening to me. I was alone. While hospitalized, I met an incredible group of people with similar pasts, who did nothing but support one another. Some of the strongest and bravest people I've ever met. I've learned I'm not alone and am stronger than I thought. I will no longer be a victim to the people who hurt me and accepting who I am. Mental health has a bad stigma that needs to need. Life is worth living. I'm taking time to work on myself and enjoy life and get back Conor who I hurt.