The First Time I was Raped

 This memory is graphic and detailed in what I am going to explain about the first time I was raped. I write this to express myself and it's a part of my healing process. In a sense it's a way of me letting go of a past trauma, not forgetting but coming to terms with it and not letting it control my life anymore. For the longest time, I thought not talking about my past and keeping everything bottled up would make the issues go away. I was wrong, learn to find support and ask for help. Suicide is not the answer. Find the beauty in all things and that life is worth living. 

My goal for this is to post all my traumatic events to get people aware they are not alone and we all go through things. This is a way for me to cope and get everything out that I have been holding in for so long. 

 It was the summer before I went to UofI and I was working as a life guard. I had just come out to my 5 best friends where we called ourselves the "6 pack". It was negatively received me being gay. They all said I was going to hell for being gay and that it was wrong. These were the same people who had been there for me for everything just like I had been there for them. Nothing had changed except for me coming out as gay. Because of that our friendship was over, I was truly alone to what would become a lonely life ahead.  

Anyway, shortly after that I told my parents and brothers who were accepting but I was told I could not talk about it or not tell anyone else. My parents said it was for my safety because at the time there were a lot of gay men getting beaten up. I was hesitant but I knew I could not disobey my parents. So I went on living like I wasn't gay, I had to pretend not to be myself. This is where I started to nit like myself where my views on the world and myself became negative. If I couldn't be accepted or be myself then how could I accept myself? 

With this mindset going on inside of me, I worked full time as a life guard to have money for school.  I worked for the same pool company for three summers and had gotten to know my boss really well. He asked me to come back every summer so I thought I was doing something right at least. Little did I know, I would be dead wrong and what happens next would lead to all the struggles I've faced. 

My manager, I'll never forget his face and I have flashbacks of what he did to me all the time or when I go to a swimming pool. His name was Dave Rubenstein, an older man with salt and pepper hair and a dad bod. He would always be affectionate or touchy with me. Always touching my legs or commenting how I looked. At the time, I didn't know better because I was so trusting of people and always saw the best in them, I did not know any better. They say ignorance is bliss and I wish I was still ignorant and take back what happened.  This is what started my trust issues with people. 

I remember the day June 5th, 2009 I was working as a life guard and I was told there was going to be a big storm coming in from my manager. He had told me to close the pool and clean the furnace room before leaving. I was closing the pool and escorted all the guests visiting out. I was in the furnace room when suddenly I heard the door open. I jumped and and saw it was Dave my manager checking on me. He asked if I had closed the pool and if I finished cleaning the furnace room before leaving. I said I was just starting to do the furnace room and he said he would help. All I remember next is him commenting how cute I look in my life guard outfit and asked if I needed to tell him something.

I said no, and he was telling me he had heard I came out as gay. I said I didn't but it was too late he said he kinda knew by how I dressed and presented myself all neat and professional. He said you look like you need some help. I said no but before I could say or do anything he pushed me against the wall of the furnace room and held my hands together. I don't know why I didn't do anything, maybe because I was scared or I didn't believe in violence, I would not fight back. He was leading against me and putting his weight on me so I couldn't move. He said he had to teach me how to be gay and what to expect since I was a "hot piece of ass". 

I said please let me go and I won't tell anyone what is happening but he wouldn't stop. He said he had wanted to do this a long time ago but waited for the perfect moment. I remember that I kept begging him to stop and let me go but he wouldn't. He said you should have known something was up when I kept asking you to come back and work. He said it would be our little secret. He then pulled my swim shorts down and unzipped his pants and started raping me. All I could feel was pain and sadness. I begged him to stop but he wouldn't no matter how much I begged or how much pain I was in he wouldn't. He didn't stop until he had "finished". Once done I felt empty like a piece of me died that moment.  As he was cleaning up he said you best not tell anyone or everyone will know you are gay.

I couldn't tell anyone anything about being gay and he knew that so I kept my rape to myself. Thinking if I tried to forget it, it didn't happen. I could never forget it because that was the first time I had sex, at the time I was saving myself for marriage. I remember he was so rough with me I had bruises on my wrists and I was bleeding from my rectum.  I remember being in a load of pain for a few days and I would bleed off and on.

I went to UofI pretending I wasn't gay and pretending I was never raped. This would lead to other events in my life that I would have to face and struggle for a while until I got help.  The only person who I ever disclosed this to was Conor who I need to fix things with and fix our friendship because I did fuck up with my depression. More to come on my other traumas that led to my recover later on. Finally talking about this and having others know they are not alone helps with the healing process.