The second time I was raped

 Part of healing is dealing with your past and to stop running away from it. Thinking that not talking about it would be better than dealing with what happened to you. I had this mindset since I was 18, the first time I was raped.  I've learned its better to start opening up and talking about your traumas. Know you are not alone, get help before you let your trauma define your life. There are therapist, medications, or social groups to help you get through it. Even family and friends can help if they're supportive in the right way.

Like I've said in my previous posts, I want to reach other survivors and let them know they are not alone. So to go over the second time I was raped it started when I was 25-26. I had joined a dating app and someone had messaged me. The guy was not bad looking himself but he lived in Madison Wisconsin. We were talking nonstop and made plans to go on a date. He took initiative to drive to Chicago to take me out on a date. We would meet up in the city and spend the day together finding we had a lot in common.

Eventually we would start seeing "each other" but not officially dating.  Eventually I would find out he was controlling and would blame me for everything that went wrong. Everything was my fault and I was never good enough. He would most of the time make me drive to Wisconsin to see him. The one time he came to Illinois I was living with my parents and he had wanted to stay over because he was flying out to California to see friends. He even left his car at the house. That night he stayed over we were both laying in bed and he started to kiss me. I had told him multiple times no sex because I do not have sex unless in a committed relationship. 

We were kissing and then he started taking off his clothes and I said to stop. He did not stop and started taking off my clothes despite saying no. I told him to get off me but he wouldn't. He told me he could do what he want and then layed on top of me and force himself in me. He covered my mouth so I couldn't scream. Immediately my body froze and I couldn't do anything. I was helpless. After he finished, he just laid there and said you just had the best sex of your life. To be honest, I hadn't really had sex because I was waiting for when I felt comfortable due to being raped at 18. He was so forceful that he caused me to bleed for a day or two. He told me not to tell anyone or I'll be sorry.

The next morning he made me drop him off at the airport. My parents then asked me when I came home if I was having sex because they heard me scream. I told them no and didn't tell them I was raped. I eventually went to the police but when I went no one believed me. They said how could a tall guy like me get raped. Men don't get raped and that I was making it up. Because of this, it made me not trust people more and keep people at a distance. I share this story because from this I eventually got stronger and learned to lean on for support when days are hard.



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