The way I chose to die

 Depression is an illness I wish no one would have to go through. I hope no one ever experiences what I've gone through or ever feel as alone as I have been in my life. I met someone who mattered a lot to me and I still love. I fucked things up and now I am alone again. My depression has been under control for the most part after getting out of the hospital for my extensive suicide attempt. I take medications to keep my depression in check. I take two high doses of antidepressants so I don't have to feel how bad I feel for hurting the one person I cared about and for hurting my family by attempting suicide.  Everyday is a struggle but I've learned to try to see the brightness in a dark day or the silver lining in every situation.

I do have side effects from taking high dose antidepressants which is me having a tremor or shakes in my hands even at rest. I've gotten used to it but I'd rather have this than feel anything. I'd rather feel numb than feel depression or relive my traumatic past that I recently opened up about. Still despite being on antidepressants, I do get suicidal thoughts but I try to used what I've done in therapy and being in the hospital to deal with it. Being mindful or using deep breathing or journaling which is what I'm doing here does help. I do still not see an extended future ahead that was taken away from Conor who will not talk to me or work things out with me. we always have in the past. I know my death will be at my own hands by suicide because eventually everything comes to an end, eventually the medications will stop working. When they does happen, I know I've tried everything and I will kill myself by overdosing on the right amount of medications, alcohol and hanging myself. My depression was getting better when Conor was in my life and helped make fitness a huge part of my life. He still blames me for stuff I haven't done no matter how much I tell him I didn't.