Why can't he just talk


 I write my thoughts in these journals as a way to cope and deal with depression. Also to reach people who have gone through what I've gone through or similar things. For the longest time I thought suicide was the answer because of everything I've been through. I never saw a future for myself and never expected to see myself grow old because I always thought I would end up killing myself as the way I would go out. My life was horrible until I met Conor who changed everything for me.

I saw something good in someone for the first time in my life and trusted someone which was always hard for me. I fell in love with him and still love him despite everything. I know he's the only person I will ever feel this way for. I want to fix things with him and get our friendship back. I know I hurt him a lot with my depression but he's the reason I got better started taking the right medications and got help. I did this because I never wanted to hurt him again.

He won't talk to me and I don't know why. We were super close in the process of actually going out and making plans before everything went to shit between us. I want us to workout again and continue our workout goals we had made. I want to apologize and make it right with him. I'm a very prideful person but I'll swallow my pride and apologize because he matters to me. He made me realize there was more to life than living in my depression. He made me actually see a future for myself. Because of him fitness has become a part of my life.

I love Conor and I will never stop loving him nor feel differently about it. We were so close and I never felt so myself or safe with anyone. Why can Conor not just talk to me. Hear me out and just talk like adults. We always worked out our issues in the past. I never expected to feel this way for anyone but working out and opening up to each other things changed. Conor if you read this please know I'm sorry and I want to fix things between us. I want us to be fine again and do what it takes to make it right.


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