My Journey with Depression and the Unexpected Friendship CK

 This is my honest review of Conor who was my trainer and hope to continue to be. He is literally the best. He would come to my house to train me because of my insecurities of going to a gym. He listened to me and was ready to talk if there were issues. He motivated me to get into the best shape of my life. Made fitness a big part of my life. He focused on what I wanted to do for working out and made me push myself. We had our ups and downs with working out but had a lot of good times together. Highly recommend. Also, very good at nutrition. Thoroughly explained the workouts and always kept it interesting. Very personable. We became very good friends and hope to continue to be. 

 Have you ever fucked up so badly with someone that you would do anything to make it right? Well, that’s me. I fucked up and hurt the one person that matters to me the most and whose opinion I value. I want to make it right by apologizing and working things out with Conor. After we met the other day, to talk, nothing was resolved. I want to apologize to everyone I hurt and take steps to prove to him I’m not that person. Peace was not created. I’ve been crying everyday since and unable to get out of bed. Been calling into work because there’s no point in being a nurse if I hurt the one person I loved and know is for me. Conor 🙏🏻, I pray for anyone to help me make things right with him. I wrote a long letter explaining everything because I suck at talking. How do I make it right? I want to talk ownership for all the damage I’ve done but Conor won’t hear me out. We were close emotionally and I hurt him with my insecurities and depression. I want to prove to him things will be different

 Where to begin? I need to apologize and make things right with Conor. Get him back. I can’t lose him because he has been one constant thing for me that has not changed - my happiness. Conor is the love of my life. I did not even know what love was until I met Conor. I had gotten married for the wrong reasons for financial security and wealth status. I’d thought I’d always be alone because of my traumatic past but then I met Conor. He is someone I would do anything for. I hurt the one person I actually love and can’t even picture him not in my life. I didn’t know this was possible for me because of the fact I’ve always been so guarded with everyone in my life, even my own family. Things just came easy with Conor. I did not expect this from when we first met and we met on Grindr. I had went on because I was suicidal and was planning to end myself but then I saw Conor and we started talking. He was a personal trainer and I actually wanted to train because I wanted to at least go out look

 To my readers, I’m asking for your advice and guidance. I fucked up with Conor and need to make it right. I realized how much I hurt him. I saw his face and saw how much damage I caused and pain. I didn’t know how to explain why I did what I did because I’m not the best at talking. Always keeping to myself. I should have written a letter like I did later that day. Writing down everything from the beginning to now. I take full responsibility for what I did. I let my mental health and depressed take over. With Conor, I opened up a wound that I was merely covering with a bandaid so to speak. Conor, was the first person to know my full past of being raped twice, going to the police and not having anything done about it. My esprit’s actually getting me arrested because I decided if to take things into my own hands when the police wouldn’t do anything. My history of eating disorders and self cutting. Me getting beaten up for being gay. These were some of my past traumas I kept inside until