My Journey with Depression and the Unexpected Friendship CK

 This memory is graphic and detailed in what I am going to explain about the first time I was raped. I write this to express myself and it's a part of my healing process. In a sense it's a way of me letting go of a past trauma, not forgetting but coming to terms with it and not letting it control my life anymore. For the longest time, I thought not talking about my past and keeping everything bottled up would make the issues go away. I was wrong, learn to find support and ask for help. Suicide is not the answer. Find the beauty in all things and that life is worth living.  My goal for this is to post all my traumatic events to get people aware they are not alone and we all go through things. This is a way for me to cope and get everything out that I have been holding in for so long.   It was the summer before I went to UofI and I was working as a life guard. I had just come out to my 5 best friends where we called ourselves the "6 pack". It was negatively received me...

 I know I've been behind in writing about my past in hopes to reach other survivors to know they are not alone. I'm going to try to post more but for past few weeks have not had a phone or internet. It's hard time to get access to post online but I have been writing. Please hang tight as I'm trying my best given everything I have going on right now. I will try to post multiple entries at once to make up. Remember these are my own personal thoughts aimed to reach other people who were in a similar spot I was in. 

Being gay was something I was not always proud of. When I came out at 18 it was not positively received. I had a group of 5 really close friends and with me we called ourselves the "6 pack". We did everything together and they were friends I thought I would have for life. When I was sure I was gay I decided to tell them first. I had always known I was when I was younger because I wasn't attracted to girls. I had a girlfriend but never did anything with her. When she kissed me once I felt nothing from her.  I remember the day I told two of my best friends from the 6 pack. They were Stephanie and Caitlin. We were in Stephanie's car driving around at night like we usually did on weekends to or getting food. I told them I had to tell them something very important. Stephanie pulled over on the side of the street and said what is it? I said I didn't know how to say it but please don't let it change anything between us. Both girls said we can never change our minds a...

 I created my blog to express myself and share my thoughts and I discuss secrets about myself and what I am feeling. These entries I share are my deepest moments and are completely honest with what is going on in my life. My goal for posting my journal entries or my diary is to reach other survivors or people who are in a similar spot I was in. My goal is to educate and promote wellness while trying to fix a friendship with someone I got really close too as much of my diary is about him Conor klump. He was my best friend and I would do anything to fix our friendship despite all that has happened. If only he would talk and just listen. I'm keeping the faith and hoping for the best. I'm the strongest I've ever been in my life and will continue posting my life and deepest thoughts. 

 I have been very easy going and relaxed about debating to sue Conor for all the money he stole from me and for hurting me by impersonating Isaac for over 2 months and starting a relationship with me. There is hope in me wanting to fix the friendship and him to stop being an asshole and just talk. A lot of this happened because he's not wanting to talk. Yet he'd rather impersonate someone to talk to me and talk money from me. When I caught on he admitted it. I'm torn at what to do because I do not want to press charges on Conor but will if he wont give back money. If he wont talk then, I will no longer be nice in return. He's going to end up losing more than the money he stole from me under false pretenses and that is something I can guarantee. I had not done anything for hope he'd be willing to work out our friendship. He not only took my job, my school tuition and now my  savings. On top, he is causing my husband and I to divide and possibly separate. I need to st...

 Recently, I met someone online who I was getting along with really well. His name was Isaac Alan. I initially met him online through an app because I was looking for Conor because to me he was missing. Conor and I were talking again briefly again before this. We had discussed him moving in with me because he was owing 6000 in debt and needed 2000 for his car. I had said I would let him move in to help him get back in his feet financially. I said I would help him out by helping him with his car. I had asked him to let’s meet up for coffee that Tuesday morning.  He had agreed to meet up. We were supposed to meet for coffee on that Tuesday and talk again later that day. When the time showed, I did not hear from him or did he show up. I tried to contact him but he didn’t show up or I couldn’t reach him. I got worried and panicked because we were finally talking and trying to work things out. Because of this I reported a missing person on Craiglists. I did not go to the police bec...