My Journey with Depression and the Unexpected Friendship CK

 Have you ever fucked up so badly with someone that you would do anything to make it right? Well, that’s me. I fucked up and hurt the one person that matters to me the most and whose opinion I value. I want to make it right by apologizing and working things out with Conor. After we met the other day, to talk, nothing was resolved. I want to apologize to everyone I hurt and take steps to prove to him I’m not that person. Peace was not created. I’ve been crying everyday since and unable to get out of bed. Been calling into work because there’s no point in being a nurse if I hurt the one person I loved and know is for me. Conor 🙏🏻, I pray for anyone to help me make things right with him. I wrote a long letter explaining everything because I suck at talking. How do I make it right? I want to talk ownership for all the damage I’ve done but Conor won’t hear me out. We were close emotionally and I hurt him with my insecurities and depression. I want to prove to him things will be different

 Where to begin? I need to apologize and make things right with Conor. Get him back. I can’t lose him because he has been one constant thing for me that has not changed - my happiness. Conor is the love of my life. I did not even know what love was until I met Conor. I had gotten married for the wrong reasons for financial security and wealth status. I’d thought I’d always be alone because of my traumatic past but then I met Conor. He is someone I would do anything for. I hurt the one person I actually love and can’t even picture him not in my life. I didn’t know this was possible for me because of the fact I’ve always been so guarded with everyone in my life, even my own family. Things just came easy with Conor. I did not expect this from when we first met and we met on Grindr. I had went on because I was suicidal and was planning to end myself but then I saw Conor and we started talking. He was a personal trainer and I actually wanted to train because I wanted to at least go out look

 To my readers, I’m asking for your advice and guidance. I fucked up with Conor and need to make it right. I realized how much I hurt him. I saw his face and saw how much damage I caused and pain. I didn’t know how to explain why I did what I did because I’m not the best at talking. Always keeping to myself. I should have written a letter like I did later that day. Writing down everything from the beginning to now. I take full responsibility for what I did. I let my mental health and depressed take over. With Conor, I opened up a wound that I was merely covering with a bandaid so to speak. Conor, was the first person to know my full past of being raped twice, going to the police and not having anything done about it. My esprit’s actually getting me arrested because I decided if to take things into my own hands when the police wouldn’t do anything. My history of eating disorders and self cutting. Me getting beaten up for being gay. These were some of my past traumas I kept inside until

 Part of healing is dealing with your past and to stop running away from it. Thinking that not talking about it would be better than dealing with what happened to you. I had this mindset since I was 18, the first time I was raped.  I've learned its better to start opening up and talking about your traumas. Know you are not alone, get help before you let your trauma define your life. There are therapist, medications, or social groups to help you get through it. Even family and friends can help if they're supportive in the right way. Like I've said in my previous posts, I want to reach other survivors and let them know they are not alone. So to go over the second time I was raped it started when I was 25-26. I had joined a dating app and someone had messaged me. The guy was not bad looking himself but he lived in Madison Wisconsin. We were talking nonstop and made plans to go on a date. He took initiative to drive to Chicago to take me out on a date. We would meet up in the c

before leaving for my trip to California for two weeks for go sees my twin gave me this pendant to add to my necklace. This necklace is very important to me as it's a family heirloom I got from my grandfather before he passed. I carry his family ring and my rings on it for extra protection and to remind myself of where I come from. It reminds me why I decided to go back into modeling and travel. I want to make a change in the world and help reach other people who thought suicide was the only option and educate people about being non binary. This pendant my twin gave me is for protection because modeling is not always safe and traveling alone is not safe. I wear this around my necklace and always wear my necklace anywhere I go. When I wear it, I can sense when something bad is going to happen or get a feeling to trust my instincts. It means a lot to have this, I have come a long way and I want people to know that.

Ever since I signed with Wilhelmina models, they have been putting me to work. First stop California for two weeks for non stop go sees. A go see is where you go and see a designer and model their clothing and walk for them. You show them your pictures and they decide to use you for any campaigns or run ways.  Excited to get back into modeling and represent survivors and non binary people. I want to make a different and know I can. It helps I can work as a nurse in California while here for two weeks. I love the fact I can do two things I enjoy modeling and traveling.