My Journey with Depression and the Unexpected Friendship CK

 Part of healing is dealing with your past and to stop running away from it. Thinking that not talking about it would be better than dealing with what happened to you. I had this mindset since I was 18, the first time I was raped.  I've learned its better to start opening up and talking about your traumas. Know you are not alone, get help before you let your trauma define your life. There are therapist, medications, or social groups to help you get through it. Even family and friends can help if they're supportive in the right way. Like I've said in my previous posts, I want to reach other survivors and let them know they are not alone. So to go over the second time I was raped it started when I was 25-26. I had joined a dating app and someone had messaged me. The guy was not bad looking himself but he lived in Madison Wisconsin. We were talking nonstop and made plans to go on a date. He took initiative to drive to Chicago to take me out on a date. We would meet up in the c

before leaving for my trip to California for two weeks for go sees my twin gave me this pendant to add to my necklace. This necklace is very important to me as it's a family heirloom I got from my grandfather before he passed. I carry his family ring and my rings on it for extra protection and to remind myself of where I come from. It reminds me why I decided to go back into modeling and travel. I want to make a change in the world and help reach other people who thought suicide was the only option and educate people about being non binary. This pendant my twin gave me is for protection because modeling is not always safe and traveling alone is not safe. I wear this around my necklace and always wear my necklace anywhere I go. When I wear it, I can sense when something bad is going to happen or get a feeling to trust my instincts. It means a lot to have this, I have come a long way and I want people to know that.

Ever since I signed with Wilhelmina models, they have been putting me to work. First stop California for two weeks for non stop go sees. A go see is where you go and see a designer and model their clothing and walk for them. You show them your pictures and they decide to use you for any campaigns or run ways.  Excited to get back into modeling and represent survivors and non binary people. I want to make a different and know I can. It helps I can work as a nurse in California while here for two weeks. I love the fact I can do two things I enjoy modeling and traveling. 

 When one door closes another door opens. Anyone dealing with depression or suicide there's always light at the end of the tunnel! When I lost my job at Rush and education because of the trainer I thought my life was over. He filed a complaint against me and I did nothing to fight against it because I believed the goodness in him. We had been talking it out and at that point he was supposed to move into my house.  Anyways, losing this job caused me to broaden my horizons and pursue my love for traveling. I decided to pursue travel nursing and have learned so much and am teaching nurses so much! I'm learning different styles and techniques of nursing from going to different hospitals.  I'm currently in the process of traveling to other states by getting my license approved for other states. As a travel nurse I now make 3 times as much as I was at Rush and get money for living and food. Normally one shift at Rush was about 400 but now I make 1200 a shift. there's always a

 Depression is an illness I wish no one would have to go through. I hope no one ever experiences what I've gone through or ever feel as alone as I have been in my life. I met someone who mattered a lot to me and I still love. I fucked things up and now I am alone again. My depression has been under control for the most part after getting out of the hospital for my extensive suicide attempt. I take medications to keep my depression in check. I take two high doses of antidepressants so I don't have to feel how bad I feel for hurting the one person I cared about and for hurting my family by attempting suicide.  Everyday is a struggle but I've learned to try to see the brightness in a dark day or the silver lining in every situation. I do have side effects from taking high dose antidepressants which is me having a tremor or shakes in my hands even at rest. I've gotten used to it but I'd rather have this than feel anything. I'd rather feel numb than feel depression o

 I still love Conor klump and always will. I've never felt this way about anyone. I'm sorry I hurt him and that he hurt me but I'll always be willing to work things out and support him. We got super close, we opened up about our traumas and issues. He was the first person I ever opened up too about anything. I've always kept people at a distance from all my past trauma. It's my fault I put all my trauma on him to help me with and I shouldn't have. We became super close and would text everyday and do things for each other. Despite all that we've done to each other I still love him and want to fix this. I don't care what people tell me that he's a bad guy because he was there for me when no one else was. I love Conor klump.

 I write my thoughts in these journals as a way to cope and deal with depression. Also to reach people who have gone through what I've gone through or similar things. For the longest time I thought suicide was the answer because of everything I've been through. I never saw a future for myself and never expected to see myself grow old because I always thought I would end up killing myself as the way I would go out. My life was horrible until I met Conor who changed everything for me. I saw something good in someone for the first time in my life and trusted someone which was always hard for me. I fell in love with him and still love him despite everything. I know he's the only person I will ever feel this way for. I want to fix things with him and get our friendship back. I know I hurt him a lot with my depression but he's the reason I got better started taking the right medications and got help. I did this because I never wanted to hurt him again. He won't talk to me